Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Xbox One... LMAO

So, I know it's a day late, but the Xbox One was finally announced yesterday. I figured it'd be fair to give a day for more of the info to come out, be confirmed or denied, etc. And I have to say, I'm glad I did. Because holy fucking balls, do I have a lot of ammo. So, let's get started!

First of all, look at that thing. Just look at it. Is that not the ugliest Betamax player you've ever seen? Which is fitting since they're so keen on you watching TV and movies on it instead of, I dunno, playing video games. Anyway, back to the design. It genuinely looks like someone took two Identical, small VCR's, flipped one over, and jammed them together. It's simplistic, but not in a good way. If it didn't have that little "x" at the end, no one would guess it's not an archaic (as far as the technology itself goes) DVD player. Also, I don't know about anyone else, but I think that controller looks uncomfortable. it's basically the original Xbox controller, which anyone agrees was too big, but with the handles extended to unnaturally-fitting proportions.

I honestly think they did this on purpose. They spend most of their reveal show talking about how much TV you can watch and how easily you can access the web. Microsoft has a fetish for creating media hubs. There's nothing wrong with that, but why does it have to be in out video game consoles. DVD players can't play video games, so why do gaming consoles need to play DVDs, Youtube, Skype, stream sporting events and the like. I don't know if you've heard of a thing called cable, or computers. Phones can Skype now, we don't need a "high-tech media system" to do that while we play a video game. Turn your damn computer on and set it down, it's not that inconvenient. And if you want to both play while you Skype, it'd still more accurate, because when you're in the same room, you usually see their side more than their face. So yeah, make a super cable box, don't bother putting a disc drive into it too.

That's the tip of the iceberg though, it gets worse. Let's see. Oh yeah, remember the days when the NES came out and everyone was so happy because they didn't have to input a code and wait for a game to install before playing it? Well, guess what! With the Xbox One, you have to input a code and wait for a game to install before playing it. Sounds like the PC, huh? But wait, there's more. After doing that, if you want to, say, take your game to your friend's house, or play it on the console of the sibling or significant other, or even roommate you share a place, as well as an internet connection with, you have to pay to install said game on their console too, not only that, you have to pay FULL RETAIL PRICE! So if you wanna play on another system, let someone borrow the game, you basically have to rebuy it. Which also means, good luck trading it in or buying it used, because it'll be the same as buying it new. This pretty much kills the used game market for the entire console.

So remember how everyone was afraid the new Xbox would be always online? Well, it's not, and it is. It's not what we expected, at least. The fear was that you'd have to be connected to play the games, online or off, similar to the new SimCity. But no, Microsoft took it one step further. You don't need to be online to play, but the system will force itself onto your connection, even after you turn it off. Searching for and downloading mandatory patches and updates constantly for your games. And if you don't have said updates? You can't play it. What's more, the pre-installed Kinect is always on too. Going Hal-9000 on your ass while you eat, sleep, and bone. All so you can yell "XBOX ON!" "XBOX PLAY CALL OF DUTY: SAME AS THE LAST ONE!" "XBOX ESPN!" XBOX YOUTUBE!" in the middle of your living room to get it to do anything, oh yeah, did I mention have of its functions are locked to the voice sensor?

A few more things real quick. You can't transfer your Marketplace purchases to the One, meaning you have to keep your 360 if you wanna play Super Meat Boy or Banjo-Kazooie. Not only that, no backwards compatibility. There aren't a whole lot of 360 games worth playing again, but it's still a feature that's rather simple nowadays, and is an obvious attempt to keep their old console selling. One more thing. That name is stupid. We have an "Xbox One". It's better than this piece of shit. The only positive things I can honestly say about this thing are that it's the first Xbox actually shaped like a box, and the kinect integrating the infrared sensor into the camera is a good idea. But yeah, that's pretty much it.

In conclusion, as I've said, I will likely not be buying a next-gen console. And if I do, it will NOT be the 360. The closest I plan on coming is the 3DS. And if you want game companies to actually start caring about games and gamers when making their games, or their systems, you won't buy this atrocity either.

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